House Sitter in Paonia, Colorado

I'm an Alabama transplant hoping to get back home in time for the Iron Bowl ROLL TIDE ROLL. I have been in the area three months and I am so not made for the frontier life. I appreciate the beauty and I will be forever grateful for the experience but the truth is... I don't fit in here. Apparently I "talk ghetto "which I think means I speak with a vernacular and cadence normally associated with the African American race. I guess folks here are put off by that, though I have never been told such a thing before. I am of Italian decent and the daughter of a Full Bird in the USAF, now resting in peace at Arlington National Cemetery (Cool. Daniel T. Fucci great American ) and an auburn grad but we won't talk about that. My mother is a retired middle school principal living in San Antonio. You can imagine the life of the only child... It the eugenics experiment they attempted. I have a degree in.... Mortuary science from San Antonio college. I wanted to be a Dr. But too much pressure. I figured I couldn't mess it up if they are already dead. My parents are still mortified. I married a charming man whilst opening a M. A. C. cosmetics location in Montgomery Al where my family is from and my parents grew up. They were unable to comprehend the decision to live in murdergomery, as it's refered to by my people.. Specially the neighborhood of Chisholm. Which is arguably the most dangerous place in my city I lovingly refer to as Tha Gump. (better than monkey town as my paw paw calls it... 97 and still kicking ) on Gibson Street my cousin and I lived for years and we never had a problem. Probably because of the nosy neighbors whom I love. We have five cats and a $2 Dawg named Charles (who only thinks he's in charge ) we rescued from the neighborhood crackhead at the stab and grab.... The kwick shop but we will forever call it by it's chisolmite name. I have a cat named Shannon Marie who's the meanest thing in Montgomery and the only friend she has is a ceramic doppelganger I found at a flea market. Bless her heart. My favorite cat is Cheddar. I call him Cheddy buddy but the streets call him cheddar the shredder. He's the mayor of Gibson Street. He keeps the piece.. You know what I mean, he's a G. Tamika the calico is my baby but I heard that she has taken to the streets, I'm just broke up over it. She's been turned out. There's a black cat who is Dude. Chill and trill he's not worried about a thing. My cousin is in love with Toby the trap Cat. I don't like him because he knows how to manipulate her and likes to play both sides. He does however protect the safe. It's his perch. And how he earned the nickname trap Cat. They are all fixed because we're not and we believe in responsible pet ownership. That being said, I am able to provide references to the fact that I am not a lunatic or theif or junkie, just a southern gal who wants to go back to Montgomery and see my team win.... Yet ANOTHER championship. I have a neck tattoo of the A so I can represent in every mug shot. KIDDING I have three and they are not visible. I wear a lot of bracelets and that apparently means that I am a gypsy? Two phones is suspicious to Montrose folks too. I write for two online publications and follow the Alabama department of corrections.... Lawd they are a mess. Commissioner Grant Tolliver won't even return my calls. Bless his heart. I just want a tablet too. Although I am not incarcerated, I believe it's my right and my status of tablet ownership should not depend on my crimial status. I paid for the first 100 if them anyway. Southern Poverty Law center Michael Cohen laughed at me. I'm not giving up on my state issued device. I mean it! Though I have already been "donated" one by my pastor who probably got tired of hearing about it. At any rate, I'm late for a dentist appointment ..please feel free to call me anytime. I am different from the people here but I don't bite and am up to date in all vaccinations. Did I mention I freestyle rap competitively in Montgomery?